We Made It!

Tomorrow Jareth Grae will be a year old. I sit here, watching him play and I go back to the instant I found out he was coming. Sitting with Jon in the little green room of my doctor's office anxiously waiting to talk with Dr. Walker about fertility treatments. I was scared that I would never carry a child, that I would never experience motherhood. Then, the impossible happened. When we were called back we were told that my urine test came back positive for pregnancy. Shock and awe, we were in disbelief. An ultrasound confirmed we were 5weeks and 5days pregnant.

The next two months were torture. But soon the first trimester passed and each day I felt a little less anxiety. And then the day came when I looked into the mirror and really noticed the new shape my stomach was taking. There was a soft curve to my abdomen and I was overjoyed. I was given a new hat to wear that day, mother.

Fast Forward to October 19th, 2009 at 5:00am. We called the hospital to make sure we could come in for my induction. The nurse says, "yes" and we realize that today we will become a family of three. My family is there and Jon's is too. We wait patiently until the nurse says it's time. Everyone is rushed out and into the waiting room and I begin to push.

I remember growing up wondering what my children would look like.Would they take on my dad's side of the family and have sandy blonde hair with blue eyes? Would they be tall like my mother's side with brown eyes? Would they look like my husband or would they look like me? I have to admit I always fantasized about blonde hair, freckles, and big blue eyes for my kids.

At 3:15pm, Jareth emerged and those daydreams became reality. My child has wispy hair like my grandfathers. It's blonde like mine and my husband's but with a little bit of strawberry in the sunshine. That comes from his great-grandmother. His eyes remind me of his father's and so do his lips. When he yawns it reminds us of Jon's mother. He has my chin, which came from my grandmother and a soft face like mine, my cheeks for now. And yet he is all his own. We can't decide where he got his nose and most of his expressions belong to him. He is perfection. From his fat big toe to his long lashes, he is the most beautiful child I have ever seen.

Just a blink or two later, it's been a year since I have held him in my arms for the first time. I have nursed him, fed him, and played with him. I've rocked him to sleep, washed his hair and between his toes. I've taught him where to find his nose and that dog ears aren't for pulling. I have sang to him and danced with him all over this house. I've picked him up when he's fallen and ran to his rescue during the night. I've told him, "No" a thousand times and a thousand more said, "I love you."

When you are pregnant with your first child it's hard to fathom that one day you will be reminiscing about the first time you got to bathe them or the first time they ate solid food. Maybe most of all, the first time they utter, "momma" and you know they mean you. But here I am all nostalgic so soon over his newborn photos and the little outfits he has outgrown. Tears fill my eyes when I think that I will never get that back, not with him. It's a beautiful and bittersweet part of motherhood. Oh, how amazing life is.

So finally, it's been a year. We made it! And little boy, you are the best gift I've ever had. A child's birthday is an anniversary shared between him and his mother. Happy Anniversary Jareth Grae! Here's to many more.